Hi. My Mom died. I have a baby girl.

This is how I feel like introducing myself every time I meet someone new. My mother died at 51 of colon cancer in 2012. Her life and its tragic end are so closely intertwined into my life that I feel like losing her has come to define me. I find myself wanting to tell anyone I meet that my mom died; Whether they ask or not, I tell them.

My mother used to call my younger brother and I “sunshine“. She would tell us we are her greatest accomplishments and that there’s nothing she’s more proud of than her children. I understand now. I am a mother to a beautiful baby girl. She is my sunshine, my soul, my entire world. I never knew love like this.

It has been three and a half years since my mother passed away. The immediate grief was intense, loud, violent, and merciless. Then there came a more peaceful time, of hope, positive energy, and dreams for the future. We were blessed with a healthy and happy baby girl.

I never expected my grief to return with such a vengeance when I became a mother myself. I never expected it to cripple me once again with its intensity during the days which should have been some of the happiest in my life.

I did not expect that although I was now a mother myself, I so badly still yearned to be mothered.

The day we brought our baby girl home, my heart was full, but broken. I was smiling, but had tears running down my face. I was celebrating this beautiful new life, but mourning one lost. I was excited about the future, but devastated at what would never be. During one of the first days after we brought her home, exhausted but euphoric, I began to sob, those loud, ugly sobs that take over you and make your tummy hurt. A new chapter of my grief had begun.

Thank you for visiting my blog. I will be sharing stories, thoughts (some good, some bad, and some ugly) about motherhood, grief, lovelife, and loss.

Much Love,

A Motherless Mama ♥

 

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