I’ve really been struggling with something big lately. I don’t know why now or why with this intensity, but I’ve entered a unfamiliar and confusing chapter in my grief journey.
Two days ago marked four years since my mom’s death. Four years. Not exactly a big, dramatic number – without the intensity of one year or the quiet finality of five years. Regardless, it stings. I haven’t hugged her in four years.
Her death anniversary wasn’t actually the agonizing day I was expecting it to be. It’s the last few weeks that have been really challenging. I’ve been having a difficult time with jealousy. In particular, jealousy of people with moms. Even more in particular, jealousy of moms with moms.
Everywhere I go, there are women with their mothers. Every mall, every coffee shop, every brunch spot. Now that I have my daughter, I notice the other types of women with their mothers – the moms with moms. It’s like a recurring theme in my life right now. I’m obsessively spotting them everywhere – the happy shoppers, the grandma watching the baby while mom browses. The travellers – the mom juggling the luggage while grandma holds the little girl’s hand in the check-in line. They’re everywhere. Seeing them makes my heart hurt.
I realize now that the reason seeing this bothers me so much is because I had this in my life as a child. My mom, grandma and I were a fierce trio. We had so much fun together. It’s funny how you take things for granted when you accept them as your reality. It was just the way things were, I thought as a littl girl. Why would I ever not have it? I guess in a way I’m processing the idea that my own daughter will never experience this most magical relationship and connection. I’m devasted for her over what will never be. The what could have been is too sad for me to cope with right now…
I need some guidance, but I really don’t know where to turn. How can I stop being so jealous? I can accept the heartbroken me. The devasted me. The grieving me. The missing my best friend me. But, I just can’t accept jealous me. I don’t like her. She bothers me.
When grief and jealousy intertwine, is there any lesson to be learned here? Are we meant to wait out this phase until it passes? Is it even a phase? I really want to see a mom-child-grandmother trio and be unaffected one day. How can I channel my sadness and jealousy and transform it into positive fuel to make me be the best mother for my baby girl I can be?