(Motherless) Mom guilt and accepting your need for help

Sometimes I feel so alone in my situation. Realistically, I know there are tons of other women out there, doing their very best every single day to be great moms without the help of their own moms. But, in my day to day life, sometimes I feel like the only late-twenties, first time mom without a mom. Meaning no mom to come stay for a few weeks after baby was born. No mom to show me how to bathe my precious little bundle. 

No mom to take the screaming, teething baby girl from my arms and say “go sleep, I’ve got her.” You get the picture.

Now that my daughter is almost one, I will be starting to work again. I’m a real estate agent, so I’m grateful that a lot of my work will be done from home. I also have my mother in law living close by, to help out. I’ve been thinking lately about what would make my life easier during this tough transition. I feel like I need some neutral non-family help around the house. Someone to come over for a couple of hours every week and just hang out with my daughter so I can just do what I need to. Maybe work. Maybe take a long shower. The point is, I want to have someone kind and safe and loving, but not necessarily someone I have a personal relationship with.

Is that weird? My husband thinks it is. “Why don’t you just ask my mom to come over more?” he asks. Well, I just need a different kind of help. Any other mamas (motherless or non) feel this way?

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A little reminder when I needed it most

I had a very strange and wonderful thing happen to me today. I was sitting at a coffee shop waiting for my friend. My baby girl was squirming on the leather armchair, me holding her by the waist as she went up and down, up and down. She’s at that stage where staying still just isn’t possible. I was doing my mom thing, holding her with one arm while I sipped on my coffee with the other. I noticed a pretty blonde girl directly across from us looking at us. She had a really warm smile and a peaceful energy about her.

We started chatting about my daughter and about babies. She told me she has a nine month old niece and was fascinated at how quickly they change at this age. She told me about her three year old nephew and how her sister has her hands full with a baby and a toddler. I nodded with a smile. That sounds so nice, I thought. They probably have a nice, big family. Lots of grandparents. Lots of love and support. Just at that moment, my friend came in. 

A few minutes later, my friend went up to the counter to order a coffee and I don’t know why, but I suddenly blurted out to this girl, “I like the idea of having two close in age. I would do it, but I’m scared. I don’t think I could manage. My mom died four years ago and it’s been really hard.” Why I would say this to a total stranger, I had no idea and I even surprised myself as it came out of my mouth. 

She got a weird look on her face. Like a half smile with sad eyes. Ok, I thought, I’ve shared too much and now she’s uncomfortable and doesn’t know what to say. What came out of her mouth next, I’ll never forget.

Our mom died four years ago too. My sister had a really hard time because she had her babies after we lost our mom. She didn’t think she could do it, but she did. You can do it too. Be happy, enjoy your family. You can do it.

And just like that, my friend came back. The girl’s husband came in to meet her. We parted with a smile and a “take care”. It may have been no more than a two minute chat, but it changed my day, if not my outlook. 

Whether I’ll ever have another child, I don’t know. We are not ready now and won’t be for a while. But I really needed the positive words today. I didn’t even realize how much I needed them. 

Life works in mysterious ways. Thank you, God, for the little reminder today. I sure needed it.