This is my truth about my first year as a motherless mother:
- After the birth of your baby, your grief will return with a vengeance. The loss of your mother will sting the way it did when it first happened. You will miss her with the intensity you felt in those first few months and milestones after her death.
- You will fantasize about how things would be if she were alive. You’ll imagine her bringing over dinner, taking your crying baby from your arms, and telling you “go get some rest, I’ve got this”. In a strange way, this will bring you comfort.
- You’ll look for company and solidarity with other new moms, but will feel sad when they mention what a support their moms have been in those first few months.
- You won’t go out much for the first year. Your circle of trust is small and caring for your baby will take all of your time and energy.
- A simple trip to the mall will make you sad, as you see endless trios of grandmas, moms, and babies shopping and laughing.
- When others shower your baby with love and gifts, it will make you uncomfortable at first. You won’t know why at first.
- When your mother in law gushes about being a grandma, it will hurt. In fact, any reference to a grandma will hurt.
- You will be so desperate for your mom’s presence, you’ll notice yourself start putting up more old photos around the house. You will want to be reminded of your mother as often as possible.
- You will wonder why you didn’t ask her certain questions when she was alive. You will kick yourself for not asking her about the little, mundane, everyday details of her life with you. Did she have a hard time putting you down to nap? How long did she breastfeed you for?
- More than anything else, you will wish you could tell her you understand now. You understand the love, you understand the sacrifice of motherhood.
“Because I feel that, in the Heavens above / The angels, whispering to one another, / Can find, among their burning terms of love / None so devotional as that of ‘Mother’” – Edgar Allen Poe